Gratitude during sadness and sorrow

A moment of reflective gratitude

There are a dozen things I am grateful for right now, yet the negative self-talk bubbles just below the surface, pushing up like molten lava, trying to seep into every part of my soul. If I let it, it will capture my spirit and send me back into the abyss of fear, doubt and unworthiness.

How does one counter the negativity when it threatens to dominate right at the onset of a brand new day?

They say to practice gratitude. If you can focus on giving thanks, your mental health will improve.

I know this, and yet, the resistance to start - to focus on being grateful - is hard to push through.

The trouble with comfort zones

It is common knowledge that dwelling in a comfort zone is like taking the easy way out. To stay with what you know, even if the emotion associated with it is low, sad, or filled with anxiety or fear, is still familiar.

Familiarity is easy, requires little work, and if allowed, can grow and anchor deeper with every trigger.

The thing about negative emotions is that they are so strong. We feel them deep inside our hearts and soul and we hang on tightly because this is what we know.

To let them go in order to acquire new, positive sentiments is to delve into the unknown.

Except… the unknown is scary. It may appear disguised as a pretty present, with gift wrap and colourful ribbons, luring us to open the package with hope for excitement and opportunity.

But we hesitate, knowing it might be a trick.

I’ve been down this road before, I remind myself. Last time, the package was filled with anxiety and fear, and it took too long to get over it.

We have to ask ourselves whether taking a risk to explore the unknown is worth taking.

Sometimes , we choose to stay stuck in the doom and gloom because the alternative - to explore the unknown - frightens us into staying with the known and the familiar.

This is why I write: to process my thoughts in the hopes of finding the courage to take the next step.

Heavy memories

Sometimes, my heart feels heavy and sad. My brother’s birthday is coming up in late December but he is no longer with us to celebrate. His teenage son is joining us for a few days, traveling from the west coast to join his grandmother and my family to celebrate what should have been his 51st birthday. Together, we will commemorate a man whose life was taken too soon by a horrible disease.

A few days after my nephew returns home, Christmas will be here, another one without my dad who transcended into his next dimension at the onset of the pandemic.

Even the paternal side of my children’s family is celebrating the holidays in a subdued, intimate circle, keenly aware of the ones who are no longer with us. At least we’re getting together this year - it wasn’t that long ago when we were restricted and isolated in our own homes.

Religion plays no part in our traditions, and there is a degree of separation between various parts of our extended families, yet efforts are made to link together in the name of holiday spirit despite heavy hearts.

It seems the time is ripe to focus on gratitude if only to raise my own vibrations.

Practicing gratitude

How do you focus on gratitude when you really don’t want to make the effort?

The comfort zone is beckoning; I want easy, not hard, because I’m mentally tired and emotionally unstable. Resistance to remain stuck in the comfort zone is a recipe for disaster; I know this, I’ve been here before.

So I write. I always write…

In the early hours of dawn, fortified with a steaming mug of coffee, is my time to recalibrate my mental state. My life is, after all, rooted in words…

Two pictures inspired me to begin my list of gratitude.

Inside my room with a door, I see my most precious possessions:

Sacred space tarot table

My tarot table features a collection of tarot and oracle cards. It is adorned with fairy lights, candles, birch bark scrolls and crystals. A hand-drawn angel, courtesy of my imaginative, artistic teenage daughter, presides over my spiritual space, filling my heart with joy and love. (The magic of gratitude is already working.)

Another prized possession is my writing space in the same room (with a door) where I keep my tarot table. The desk, one of three my parents bought us kids for homework and studying decades ago, remains present in every room of this house, including the one I now call my room with a door.

This is where I decompress, recharge, and rewire my neural connections with mediation, creativity, affirmations and many, many words.

Today’s affirmations

I am grateful for my room with a door despite its isolation away from the people I love the most.

I give myself permission to miss them without giving up my deep-seated need to take time away for quiet reflection (and writing without interruption).

I see you, guilt, and I allow you to make yourself known, but when you’re done doing your thing, you may continue on your journey. I have no need for you long-term.

I am thankful to the people in my life who accept my quirky and sometimes outlandish expectations and grant me the space I need to write. Thank you. Without you, there would be no room with a door for me to enjoy.

Now, that wasn’t so hard, was it? (This is a rhetorical question, but the answer is yes.)

Expressing gratitude for material things which make life easier contribute to emotional well-being and should not be overlooked. I feel privileged to have an internet connection, a laptop with an ergonomic keyboard, and a writing community with whom I can connect through my preferred method of communication: the written word.

It began in my room with a door. It is that one thing in my life at the moment that makes things better and allows my creativity to flourish. It may not transform my entire life, but it fosters a jumping-off start to set a new tone for a new day.

Thank you for reading.