Deceptive affection
How a disconnect between writer friends almost halted creative output. Time to let go and carry on.
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One day some years ago I received a personal letter via email from a writer friend of mine. The letter expressed a unique form of admiration for my ability to express myself in written format, but it was more than that. There were nuances and implications in between the lines that held special significance for me.
The letter was meant to be shared online, although the final decision - whether to publish it or keep it private - remained with me. I hesitated to share the letter publicly but simultaneously shared it with a friend or two. Did they see in me what my writer friend - the letter writer - saw in me? Or were we - the letter writer and I - unicorns with opinions and perceptions outside of the realm of collective commonalities?
Prior to receiving this letter, the letter writer and I had a difference of opinion. It happened sometimes, often with one of us ghosting the other for a time, but we always managed to come together and air out our grievances eventually. We were both inspired and driven by the written word. I was led to believe that this was mutually important and I trusted - blindly - that dialogue would continue after a break.
I was wrong. I see now that it may have been a one-sided relationship.
Did this difference of opinion became the culprit for our inevitable disconnect? Despite the self-instigated, heart-felt letter of admiration which I know my friend took days, possibly weeks, to write?
If our difference of opinion wasn’t the primary cause, it most definitely played a key part in the dissolution of what once was an important element in my writing life.
To this day, I continue to ponder the implications of that disruptive event in my life.
These were the thoughts I entertained when I came across an article about Deceptive Affection.
The article, published by Forbes, delved into the nature of habitual behaviour among couples. I took this article to heart not because I was ‘in a couple’ with the writer friend who wrote me the letter mentioned above, but because the terminology used in the article resonated; the implications discussed extended beyond traditional romantic couple connections and could be applied in numerous other relationship dynamics.
Deceptive affection
Deceptive affection is a term described by American psychologist Mark Travers, the author of this article, as a form of communication that does not match one’s true feelings in that moment.
He explains:
Deceptive affection consists of intensified affection, a form of expressing more affection than one really feels, and withheld affection, which involves holding back genuine feelings of genuine affection.
Looking deeper into why people might engage in deceptive affection, he came up with two possibilities:
Routine relationship maintenance
Perceived threats to the relationship
Routine relationship maintenance
Consider a busy morning. One spouse is prepping a packed lunch while the other spouse rushes out the door, late for a meeting.
“See you tonight,” the departing spouse says as he shuts the door. “I love you,” the other spouse yells after him.
This is an example of routine relationship maintenance.
Routine relationship maintenance is a temporary strategy used to maintain the stability and well-being of a relationship.
There is nothing inherently wrong with absentmindedly, or habitually, saying I love you after someone when they leave for work. The question is, how deeply does one feel that emotion (love, in this instance) in that exact moment?
Would you say it if it was no longer true?
The scenario above does not shed a clear picture of the couple. We don't know if they are, in fact, in love and feel love, or if they had a fight recently, or are on the verge of divorce. We don't know if one of them is cheating or if they grew apart. All we know is the habitual I love you was uttered by one soouse. Did they mean it in the moment they said it?
Neurologically speaking, I wonder how habitual repetition of certain phrases might affect the brain’s neural pathways. Numerous studies* have been published across the internet to describe how repetitive positive behaviour (for example, repeating affirmations) result in a more grateful attitude. Engaging in deceptive affection therefore could be interpreted as a means to “keep their valued partner happy, to encourage reciprocal affection and to amply their own positive perception of the relationship”.
The benefit for saying I love you without the full spectrum of emotional and intimate intensity of new romantic love continues to create closeness and support which would thereby enhance relational bonds.
It concerns me, by degrees, that the letter I still hold on to continues to keep alive a connection that has clearly dissipated. Do the words continue to hold true meaning even though we no longer communicate?
Perceived threats to the relationship
Consider how the expectation to hear a repetitive phrase might induce a momentary dissatisfaction with the relationship, possibly caused by some internal dialogue to process some infraction caused earlier.
How can she say that when she did x, he might think. She doesn’t really mean it.
Is there inherent risk to become so habitually inclined to verbally or physically express deceptive affection?
Meanwhile, she might say the words without emotional coherence as a method of self-preservation. She doesn’t want to start the day off with a reminder (or continuation) of an earlier argument and says I love you as a means to avoid further conflict.
Saying I love you without heart-felt emotion may be seen as a useful technique to “navigate relationship challenges while minimizing harm”.
Minimizing authentic responses to certain questions or engagement in conversations was a technique I used to preserve a friendship for fear that too much honesty might cause a rupture in the connection. I see this in hindsight, but did not realize I was doing that at the time.
What about withholding affection?
The article suggests withholding I love you’s or similar expressions might be more common in the dating community (online and IRL - in real life), or among friends-with-benefits, where one person may develop deeper emotional intimacy than the other during a standard or habitual sexual connection.
Individuals in a friends-with-benefits relationship as well as platonic friends may withhold affection as a way to protect themselves, or save face. The assumption is that telling someone they are beginning to feel love for them will make the other person run (or worse, ghost them).
Ghosting: a cruel and undeserved method of abruptly ending all communication without explanation.
This act of leaving a relationship abruptly without explanation, even if it is early on in the getting-to-know phase, is especially hurtful if bread-crumbing techniques were used by one party.
Bread-crumbing: a behavior in which one person sends intermittent, often vague messages to keep another person interested without any intention of fully committing into a relationship.
Being ghosted, especially after bread-crumbing scenarios, is a common complaint by many people who may feel confident enough to express the increasing emotional attachments to a significant individual with whom they have enjoyed some form of intimate (not necessarily sexual) connection.
They know that expressing the love they feel will risk an inevitable disconnect, one that may hurt one person much more deeply than the other. Withholding affection, or any declaration of expressing their true feelings, is an act of self-preservation and usually results in the connection's demise.
Side remark: if you surf the YouTube tarot community, you will see the vast majority of comments on love/relationship readings are published by people who are feel slighted, disregarded, ghosted, bread-crumbed or otherwise mistreated inside a real or perceived relationship. The most common complaint is related to withholding or deceptive affection by their person of interest.
In my case, reaching out to correct the misunderstanding with my letter-writing friend was refuted. The interest - to maintain a connection I was under the impression meant something to both of us - had waned, and the disconnect, not initiated by me, prevails.
Insincere displays of affection
In my case, referring back to the heart-felt letter, I wonder how someone could write such beautiful and meaningful words and then disconnect and disappear without a trace. Were the words used to describe me a form of insincere affection? Did the three-year friendship really mean that little?
It used to concern me that I appear to be easily replaceable.
It also pulls into question my confidence in my ability to continue to write eloquent prose. The feeling that all praise and admiration is temporary continues to plague me (at times). Is it worth it, in the end, to publish the words I write for consumption?
The only way to know the answer to this question is to keep writing the words.
*The numerous studies referred to here link back to an extensive repertoire of books, articles, podcasts, social media channels and YouTube videos I’ve consumed over the years. The list is vast and includes (but is not limited to) the following: Dr. Tara Swart, Dr. Joe Dispenza, Louise Hay, Dr. Deepak Chopra to name but a few.
Thank you for reading my words. It would mean a lot to me if you shared my article.
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I have an idea... Why not try writing a similar letter to yourself? If the words written by your friend were affirming and meant something, then use your ability as a writer to OWN those affirmations🤷🏼♀️
It's just an idea😘
As someone who enjoys reading your words, I hope those doubts about your ability diminish!
💌💌
I really like this essay, Claudette. It was informative and right in my wheel-house of learning about relationships and why we do the things we do.
As far as your "friend," in my experience, unless the person comes right out and says, "I was deceiving you," then we may never really know if it was deceptive affection or not, though it does sound as if she was breadcrumbing you along the way.